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Sunday, January 17, 2016

British Humour.....!!!!!!!!

The only excuse for using this picture is it's of a British lady, and I'm going to give you a lot of great quotes from British humour. So here goes....The picture is the cover of my book that's included in the new RB4U Anthology, Entice Me, now climbing the charts at Amazon.

Here's the promised humour.

1. I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently, a turban, beard and backpack wasn't what they had in mind.

2. After a night of drink, drugs, and wild sex John woke up next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realized he had made it home safely.

3. Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Para-Olympics after they tested positive for WD40.

4. A boy asks his granny, "Have you seen my pills, they were labeled LSD. Granny replies. "the hell with the pills, did you see the dragons in the kitchen?"

5. Wife gets naked and asks hubby. "What turns you on more, my pretty face of my sexy body?" Hubby looks her up and down and replies, "Your sense of humor!" Hospital visiting hours are 5 to 6.

6. A chap's wife is back on the warpath again.  She was up for making a sex movie last night and all he did was suggest they should hold auditions for her part. The viewing will be Saturday from 7 to 8.

7. I woke up this morning at 9 :00 and could sense something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor and not breathing. I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald's serves breakfast until 10:30.

8. My missus packed my bag, and as I walked out the front door she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!" "Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!

9. Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.

10. The other night my wife asked me how man women I'd slept with.  I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night." The doctor says I should be able to see again in about ten days. The broken arm will take a month.

                                                                      * * * * *

I'm currently working with an artist at MuseItUp for the cover of my long historical, Guilty Secrets. It's set in the period just after Waterloo, with a yummy nobleman as the hero who's afraid he's lost his honor, a beautiful daughter running from a cruel father, and other assorted villains. I'm thrilled that this, I think my best book, has found such a wonderful home. In the meantime, do tell me if you have a favorite in this humor list. (See, I reverted to the American spelling!) I'll tell you mine if you tell me yours.

I'm looking forward to your answers....


Cara Marsi said...

These are funny! Thanks for the laugh, Jean. I think my favorite is number 6. Congratulations on finding a publisher for your new novel. It sounds great.

Tina Donahue said...

OMG, these are great, Jean. Loved the WD40 one. :)

Rose Anderson said...

Dragons in the kitchen. Yep, that made me laugh. :)

jean hart stewart said...

Cara, did you notice how many of these included such messed-up marriages? I kinda wondered about that when I wrote the column. Thanks for commenting.

jean hart stewart said...

Tina, I'm with you. Dragons in the kitchen is pretty funny too. So I guess you and Rose picked my two favorites. Thanks to you both for commenting.

Melissa Keir said...

Such funnies! Thanks for sharing! Who doesn't need a good laugh! Congrats on your latest work. I can't wait to see the cover you come up with!

jean hart stewart said...

Thanks, Melissa. Still struggling with the cover ideas. Just so long as it's not a lone woman. Hunky men on the cover sell better...

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