Things To Never Say To A Romance Writer

I found a wonderful blog written by Author Simon P. Clark, entitled Eleven Things Never to Say to an Author, dated May 28, 2013
http://www.simonpclark.com/2013/05/eleven-things-never-to-say-to-author.html

It's so true, and funny, that I wanted to share, so I modified it to fit Romance Writers and added a few "never say" statements of my own and thoughts from my friends at RB4U. So, if you aren't a romance writer, the next time you meet one, make an effort not to indulge in the following:

1. "You write romance novels? Wow. I wish I could do that."

Response: You really don't. It's hard work. You have to invest years in learning the craft, and then you have to spend hours at a hot computer in your underwear coming up with new and clichéless ways of describing an accelerated heart beat, sweat, and how put to tab A into slot B. You have to experiment. You have to... Why are you leaving?

2. "Writing a romance novel sounds like fun. I think I'll take a month off and write one."

Response: Your profession sounds interesting too. Maybe I'll take a summer school course and become a brain surgeon just like you.

3. "If you write novels, why are you still working?"

Response: I like to eat chocolate and drink wine.

4. "You write romance novels now? Wow. What does it feel like not having to go to work every day?"

Response: Like going to work every...and every night...and on weekends. And we don't get a vacation or sick leave, either.

5. "I have a great idea for a book..."

Response: Good. Write it, and come back in ten years.

6. Variations On Theme One – The Real Book

●"Your book is so good. I'll bet you could even write a real book."

●"Oh, I get it. You're going to write a romance novel now, and then later you'll write a real book."

●"Is writing this stuff going to interfere with your real book?"

●"Now that you're writing smut, are you ever going to finish your real book?"

●"I don't care for reading porn, but I enjoy yours. Do you ever write real books too?"

●"You're a writer? Cool! Romance novels? Oh, that's too bad."

Response: Yeah, just those pesky romance novels. It's a good thing they don't require some of the most creative, discerning, demanding, open minded readers around, eh? Aha ha. Ha.

7. Variations On Theme Two - Romance=Porno

● "I don't read bodice rippers."

● "I don't care for reading porn, but I enjoy your books."

● "Do you practice all those love scenes yourself?"Chuckle, chuckle.

● "I read a romance novel the other day. How can people read such trash?

Response: You mean you can read? Well, that's a start. And why are you ogling my cover?
And by the way, weren't you all a-twitter the other day over reading "Fifty Shades of Grey"

8. Variations On Theme Three

● "You wrote a romance novel? That's wonderful. When will it be published?"
Response: That all depends on whether or not I can sell it. First I have to find an agent. Then the agent has to send it to publishers and convince someone they want to buy it. Then there's the contract. After that it takes a year to get into rewrites and editing. After that...

Well, maybe around 2020. Can you wait that long?

● "You wrote a romance novel? That's wonderful. Send Me A Copy When It's Published."

Response: Yeah, right. Are you kidding, you a-hole? You not only expect me to give you a copy, but to pay postage on top of that. Why don't you sacrifice one cup of Starbucks and buy a copy?

● "You wrote this?"

Response: Nooo, I'm just wasting time sitting in Barns and Noble selling and signing someone else's book. What? Do I not look like I could write a book?

9. "Who's Your Agent? Can you recommend me?"
 
Response: Who's your psychiatrist?

10. "Oh, my cousin's brother-in-law's aunt writes books about saving money doing your own laundry...I think."

Response: Cool. Do you have any booze with you? Hard drugs, maybe.

11. "Aren't Romance Novels dying out?"

Response: Something's going to be dying in about four seconds, and I guarantee you it won't be romance novels.

12. "So How Much Money Do You Make Writing Romance Novels? It can't be very much."

Response: Here's a fun new rule. It's called Don't Ask Authors Things You Wouldn't Ask Other Intelligent Adults.

13. Will You Put Me In Your Next Book?

Response: Don't tempt me. I might. I might not. Do something interesting and let's see. Why don't you start by stripping down in public?

14. I Hate Reading.

Response: It's the strangest thing! When someone says 'I hate reading', I hear 'whop me upside the head.'

15. You Could Be The Next Nora Roberts.

Response: I think that name is already taken. Besides, she's a woman, and I'm a guy. I don't think her pants would fit me.

What are your favorite "Don't Ask" Questions?

As an author or a reader, what can you add to this list of "don't say" experiences? Make a comment and expand the list.