OMG! It’s Ground Hog Day! Since I’m writing this blog the day before, I’m not sure if the little bugger will see his shadow or not. All I want is for this cold winter to be over as soon as possible. The weather around the entire country has been crazy. I’m in Florida, and we’ve been freezing for a few days to a week then back to 80’s then back again to cold. I’ll be surprised if my family gets through this season without being very sick. I moved to Florida to escape the long winters and cold ten years ago, and I can’t imagine what everyone else is going through.
Now all the hoopla about this day will be lost with today also being Super Bowl Sunday! Those poor teams having to play in the freezing cold makes me shiver thinking about them. Burrrr! I guess that’s why they get paid the big bucks. Shhh! Don’t tell my husband, but I only watch for the commercials. I’ll fix the appropriate football watching goodies like chili with cornbread, a vegetable tray, cheese and crackers, and onion dip with chips. Oh and bring on the beer! Yep, I’ll be cuddled on the sofa watching those players freeze their b—
Okay, I’ll keep it clean. Anyway, I’ll keep this short today because I’m sure everyone is more interested in watching the game than reading my post.
For anyone who is reading this, I’ll leave a little snippet from my silly little vampire story about The Misadventures of Dick Grewcock.
“Now, now, Dick, bear up. We’re still friends, right? If you are uncomfortable, call me Vlad or Andreaus. I’d even be okay with Andy. Sounds more modern. I can accept any of those salutations. Depends on my mood. Actually, I think Master Vlad still reflects the real me—more in control, dominant, a manly vampire’s name.” Vlad’s voice deepened the more he spoke.
“Oh whatever. I’ll call you Vlad.” Dick softly harrumphed and slumped in the chair. “My complaint. Can we discuss me now?”
“Yes, of course.” The Master rustled through a few pieces of paper. “Let’s see, the paperwork states you transitioned on Halloween night. Everything proceeded without a hitch.” He glanced up from the papers, then continued, “A glorious night All Hallows Eve. I love the holiday. A majority of humans assume the identities of creatures of the night. At least they think they are.” He chuckled, flicking his hands in the air a few times. “Such revelry and debauchery. Yes, I believe Halloween is my favorite time of the year.”
“Excuse me, but we’re a little off subject again. Can we talk about my problems, please?”
“Oh yes, sorry. I get carried away sometimes. Where was I? Oh yes, tell me what aspects of your new life are you having difficulties with, Dick.”
“How ‘bout I start with this?” Dick closed his eyes, tensed his body, opened his mouth, and fangs dropped down. They were over an inch in length, and he stretched his lips wide to accommodate the size. The tips barely punctured his lower lip, drawing a small amount of blood. “Ouch.”
“Oh my, what big teeth we have, grandma.”
“That’s not thunny. I canth talk wight. These dan teets get in the way. I sound like a horon. I has to oken eye outh so wide each tine, eye jaw hurts like health. I ite eye ottom lis erery tine.”
“Hmm, I understand, sort of.” Master Vlad waved his hand in the air and said, “I can have this little problem fixed in no time. Really, this is not a big deal. I’ll set you up with the corporate dentist, and he can repair the minor inconvenience you’re having.” He jotted something down on paper and returned attention back to Dick. “Why don’t you retract your teeth so I can understand you better? With the dental problem resolved, what else is bothering you, Dick?”
In a blur, the fangs retracted into his gums. He reached into a jacket pocket and pulled out the VRU pamphlet. “Okay, it says here, ‘becoming a vampire is an opportunity to develop into a better you in every way. You stop aging and gain enhanced looks.” He winked. “You become one of the Beautiful People.” Dick glanced up from the pamphlet and stared at his sire. “Hello? Look at me. What the hell are these red circles around my eyes? And what’s up with the pasty-white color over my entire body? I resemble one of those Kabuki actors on his last leg. I’m fairly certain no kimono or red lipstick will help.”
“Oh, Dick, don’t be silly. You’re a good-looking vampire, and you should try Blood Red by Maybelline. The long-lasting blend which lasts all night is what I find works best. Doesn’t smudge or rub off when you bite hard. I have the same shade on tonight.” He smacked his lips. “By the way, speaking of actors, can you sing and dance? If so, I got a memo today from one of my clients looking to hire at both Disney World and Universal Studios, a great opportunity.” He leaned over the wooden desk and lowered his voice. “You know when you work for either company, you get discounts. Oh, such fun. I’m a little kid all over again when I visit the parks. I especially enjoy the fireworks display during special events or the electric parade. Have you been to their night shows yet?”
Dick rolled his eyes. “Uh, no. Can we get back on subject here?”
“Oh sorry, I get excited about amusement parks. Okay, where were we? Oh yes, your pasty-colored skin. Are you feeding enough on whole blood, and not the synthetic shit blood pushers sell on the corner streets?”
“Yeah, I followed the protocol, exactly as you said in the manual and even have a couple bottles of the blood soda to supplement, but I still look like death warmed over. I’m not the virile, good-looking stud the literature promises. This guy here in the company’s pamphlet is handsome and built. Do I look anything resembling him? No!” Dick held up the brochure and pointed to a picture on the cover.
“Seriously, Dick? Xavier is a professional actor for all our promotional ads. Yes, he’s a vampire, but he was a top model before he turned. Of course, he’s going to remain the handsome, gorgeous man he was in human form. Considering your interest in being a lawyer, I’m surprised you didn’t read the small print. Dick, Dick, Dick, the first rule of contractual law—Read the small print.” Vlad’s voice raised an octave.
“What? You’re lecturing me. What is this caveat emptor lessons? False advertising, that’s what this is, and no amount of buyer beware posting flushes in my toilet. How many other suckers did you rip off? I should report you to the Better Business Bureau.”
“Suckers? Oh real funny. Good one.” The Master leaned back in his chair and held his stomach, laughing almost hysterically. He stopped and took on a serious expression. “Seriously. Now calm down. There’s no need for threats. Xavier is the exception to the rule for handsome vampires, and you on the other hand, well, shall we say, had a few imperfections. Turning vamp doesn’t change your features entirely. They’re enhanced perhaps, but not altered to be any way you want or what you assumed they’d be after you turned. Now, let’s see if we can come up with an acceptable remedy. What do you think?”
“Possible, I guess.” He sheepishly lowered his head. The meeting quickly shifted from his favor. Woo hoo. Score one for Master Vlad.
“I can’t believe you are so displeased, Dick. You are the first man to ever complain about being vampire. I’m sorry. Not true, there was a teensy, weensy village in Romania a few hundred years ago. Men and women complained, but the incident happened a long time ago. They eventually got over their melodramatic moods. I—”
“Vlad, my situation, please?”
“Fine. You don’t have to be so huffy. I wanted to explain you aren’t the first to file a complaint. I changed my company policy after the slight medieval uprising. I guarantee all my transformations now. I’m of the Old World and am an honorable man. To make you happy, I will put you in contact with Doctor Aaron Bowman, our cosmetic surgeon on retainer. He can do a nip here and a tuck there, and you’ll be a new man. Will you be delighted with our services then?”
“I’m supposed to trust a vampire physician to cut on me while I’m unconscious? Are you serious? No, I don’t think surgery is for me.”
“Hmm, let me suggest an alternative medicine then. Perhaps the natural herbs and elixirs you can add to your blood supply will help enhance certain features. I’ll give you the address of the store. It’s at the corner of Mills and Colonial. Not hard to find.”
Until next month,