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Sunday, July 1, 2012

You Know It's Time To Become A Recluse When . . .


By
Author R. Ann Siracusa
 
THE PROBLEM WITH GETTING OLD IS YOU DON'T HAVE A CHANCE TO PRACTICE BEFOREHAND.  IT SORT OF SNEAKS UP ON YOU.

I knew it was time to retire when I updated my resume and all my references were dead.  So I retired. 
 
When I celebrated (and I use the term loosely) a landmark birthday almost two years ago, I reluctantly reconciled myself to the inevitable.  I’m now getting hints that maybe it’s time to become a recluse.  Here are some of the first indicators.

  You look in the mirror one day and the first thing you say is, “Whoa!  Who are you?”  The second thing you say is, “Shit, when did this happen?"

  Even when using a 10x magnifying mirror, you can’t tell the difference between a mole, a blackhead, and a leftover piece of breakfast.

  When you finish putting on your makeup, your face looks as though you applied the cosmetics and eyeliner with a can of spray paint, and your lip lines bleed all the way up to your nose.

  Everything in your closet looks clean and spotless until you are in the sunlight, with your glasses on, and too far away from home to go back and change.

  Your bra size is now a 42 long.

 You go to brush a hair off your lapel and discover it’s attached to your chin.

  You spend fifty percent of your day looking for your glasses, car keys, or something you had in your hand just a second ago.

 You drive up to a curb-side mail box and order a hamburger and French fries.

  You drive into the wrong end of the car wash.

  The most fun you have all day is blurting out your age and weight just for the shock value.

  You develop random non-life-threatening skin growths large enough to name after a deceased pet or relative.

  You turn on your left signal in the morning and leave it on all day.

  On the operating table, before they put you under, you demand to see the anesthesiologist and surgeon’s photo IDs, just to be sure at least one of them is old enough to drive a car.

6 comments:

Tina Donahue said...

LOL - great post!! Spit up my breakfast while I was reading it. You should be a stand-up comedian. :)

Cynthia Arsuaga said...

Been there, done that! I could probably add a few to the list. Getting old is such a bitch sometimes. Funny, funny.

Sandy said...

LOL Until the last one, I was crying, but that one had me laughing.

Polly McCrillis said...

Have to be able to laugh at yourself, right? I do, before someone else does. Be a recluse all you want, R. Ann, but don't stop writing!

jean hart stewart said...

Loved it, but too tooooo true.

Paris said...

What a great list! I haven't stopped laughing Thanks for my afternoon giggle--I learned to laugh at myself a long time ago:)

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